Book lover. Stephen King Fanatic. Will try anything once. General Lover of Fiction. Reviewer Everywhere. All views my own. Mostly.
So anyway, today, after being at home with the children for a number of years, I was offered and accepted a job. After my Husband left I had no choice but to look for work and whilst I felt forced into it when my kids are still too young (we did after all agree at time of having them that I would bring them up in the home and my youngest is still just 3) I have been engaged by the thought that actually, before giving up my career to have children, I was a strong, intelligent and independant woman.
In the year and a bit since he walked out, my confidence has been zero. Over the course of a number of years prior to that I had been given the impression that my contribution to our household was worthless. I didnt bring in any money therefore it was ok to put me last in everything. It is only with some distance that I realised this was happening and how much it exacerbated my clinical depression. Doing the blog started to bring me back to myself - when publishers and some of the authors I had admired for years were interested GENUINELY INTERESTED in my opinions and thoughts it flummoxed me. And people found me funny and said they enjoyed my chats and spending time with me as I got back out into the world for book launches.
I've had to recover from some quite serious physical illness, my weight was less than size zero and I barely got out of bed in the early days of my separation and indeed before that when my depression was rampant. It has taken a while, been hard work, especially coping with the anxiety and panic attacks, but with a LOT of help and support from those that genuinely love me and some proper medical guidance from my local GP and the hospital, I am now at a stage where I'm beginning to feel that I might be ok.
So I started my job search and was completely bewildered. Applying for jobs I thought I had no hope of even passing the first stage for, and they were ALL coming back to me and showing interest. Out of 10 jobs I interviewed for overall in the last 8 weeks I have been offered 9 of them. One for the sort of salary I'd been told I could never expect to get, I was not ever going to be able to be the main wage earner I was told, I just didnt have the skill. And I AGREED. Depression is a funny old thing...
Sadly I can't take that job because I DO after all have small children who rely on me and are used to me being around - I've been the single constant in their lives since they were born. But I have taken a job that works completely around them and has the potential to develop over time so that when they are older, I can go back to being me. That strong, intelligent, independant woman...
I'll always fight those depression demons. But in the life stakes, with help, they won't win. Take heart anyone that suffers anxiety and depressive issues. Even on the darkest days, somewhere around you is a glimmer of light and hope. NEVER let that go.
And talk about it. ALWAYS.